Ten minutes...the longest I have gone without thinking of her since the day my heart was re-awoken, after a four-year hibernation.

The Fall of 2005 was bittersweet for me. I was in love with a woman who I am certain loved me. Like any predictable movie, though, she had a boyfriend; an abusive, spoiled, lying, man-child who had no business ever having the right to have a single date with her. We shared everything: every dark secret, fear, love, and vulnerability. The tragically funny thing, and keep in mind that this shit still haunts me, is that she actually told me that she never would have gone out with him in the first place if she knew how their relationship would develop...now they're married! What's even more disturbing (I think you're going to like this)...I stood at their wedding! And not the kind of stand where I dramatically burst thru the church doors and reveal how much I love her in front of hundreds of stunned guests, but the kind of stand where I was in the wedding party. Pathetic. I think that was the grooms way of keeping his enemy close.

The thing about her was that she was the epitome of the sweet "girl next door". Inside and out, she was unmistakably gorgeous. She had an energy and glow that even with the slightest thought of her your day would be the greatest moment of your life. During this time I often wondered why I was so lucky to have an existence that included her. And I'm not a complete fool; I know she had her imperfections. But even these were adorable and perfect in their own way. She did have one major fault, though - she completely lacked the will to leave him. To this day I believe that he only stayed with her in spite of me. He knows that I know more about her and love her more than he could ever be capable of loving. But he sees it as a victory.

Ultimately the end result was my fault. I did any and everything for her and she used me to not only feel better about herself, but to get a ring on her finger as well. She knew I loved her, but I never declared my adoration or really stood up to save her from him. I was too afraid and quite frankly I literally thought he would kill me (he had it in him to do so). That fall my grades plummeted, I couldn't hold down any food, and my heart was obliterated. One day I finally came to the realization that we would never be together...no children, no anniversaries, no days where we would just talk with our eyes and smiles. Most importantly there would be no true love.

I regret so much of that predicament and lost so much of my will, confidence, and faith because of it. One thing I understand because of it, though, is that if I ever do have the privilege of finding the woman I should be with, I will never take her for granted and have a greater appreciation for the love each and every day. Every gaze, twinkle, smile, and moment together will be cherished. Even every stray hair, annoying habit, and unbearable moment will be treasured because the love will exist.

My one major fear in this life is that I will die alone; miserable and never connecting with the one that I should love because they won't recognize it in me or give me a chance. The thing that really kills me is seeing women with guys who are the biggest pieces of shit you could ever imagine. No personality, character, or genuine bone in their body. These guys are a disgrace to men who actually have a purpose. They give a bad name to those of us who want something more than a sex object; those of us who want a partner, friend, and lover. Those of us who want the fairy-tale ending most men will never admit to actually wanting. But we do. What's a shame is the fact that I know many men who would be great boyfriends, husbands, fathers, and any other privileged position, but they haven't taken or been given the opportunity to prove it. In all honesty, women do generally appreciate a person's inner qualities more than men. However, women are just as foolish and petty as men when it comes to meeting someone to date. They want someone tall, dark, handsome, and who can throw them a lame line or an empty compliment. I admire the women who take the time and put forth the effort to learn about their man of quality, because we all know that if many women truly knew their man, they would be long gone.

I apologize for the long rant, but it had it's place.

Like I was saying, after four turbulent and miserable years of having the occasional date, I have found another gem. As of now I don't have nearly the same amount of knowledge about this woman as the last, but from several brief encounters I have observed many fantastic qualities. I may be lacking in many departments, but I am gifted with the ability to figure people out in a short amount of time regarding their character, intentions, worth, and genuineness. So take my word when I say that this woman is truly special. The first thing that's impossible not to notice are her brilliant, wide, and passionate eyes. She also has the most beautiful smile which reveals a pair of irresistibly adorable dimples. I do everything I can to get her to laugh because this triggers a combination where she has a huge smile with vividly wide eyes. This simple action absolutely makes my day worthwhile.

I believe that a person's smile can show you their soul. From her smile I can see how real and passionate a person she really is. I can't even begin to explain how sweet she is. She's the type of person who could comfort anyone or anything with the smallest effort. She's the type of girl who is unforgettable and impossible not to like. The incredible thing is that she is actually single, which either means she doesn't attach herself to any random jackass or that I am the only one who sees all these incredible things in her. I can't comprehend the latter being a possibility, however.

Unfortunately I have not been able to get to know her as well as I would like, but hopefully that situation will improve. Also, I'm not in the position to just ask her out since it may make things awkward. Furthermore, it doesn't feel right yet, in that she seems hesitant to want to try anything. All I ask of myself is to at least make a more intelligent effort than the last time and learn from my mistakes. This will be essential in earning her heart.

God I hope I don't fuck this opportunity up. Very few women come along in a man's life who can make this kind of impact. She is most definitely one of them. I guess all I can wish is that I won't be standing at her wedding...unless I'm the man standing next to her.